It's Been a While...

10 months in fact. Not 10 months since I last wrote, although it feels like that long, but 10 months since I started dating Dean. We are, in fact, still together. I don't even feel like explaining about the whole "gay" ordeal...that is long since passed and we are still madly in love as we were so long ago. Wow, 10 months. It feels like it's been forever...but it's only just begun.

Life moves slowly sometimes. I don't always see Dean. We get to see each other only on the weekends, and that's when we're lucky. We argue, a lot...probably not as much as some couples, but most likely more than others.

Other times, life's fun and exciting. We hang out around downtown Vancouver or Portland. We go out to see movies, in 3-D! (This is super cool for me because I never got to see a 3-D movie growing up. I saw a couple of the shows with the red and blue paper glasses with my friends on like the special features of stuff, but never a 3-D movie in a theater.) He makes me try new things, like sushi. I don't really like it, but I go do it with him because he loves it. We're going to Disneyland for my birthday. I've never been there before. We do all sorts of fun stuff.

And tomorrow, we're starting our family. Well, not the way it sounds. We're buying our first real "us" pet - a hamster! He had a service dog before, a Welsh Corgi named Maverick. We had to give him away though. He was mostly Dean's dog instead of mine. I didn't get to spend a whole lot of time for him, even though I loved him to death. But we're buying the hammy together. A cute little Djungarian girl named Minny, after one of my favorite characters in Thornton Wilder's "The Matchmaker." I changed the spelling, but I give credit to Wilder for the namesake.

I've got my own apartment with my brother now. Our friend Spencer lives on our couch. And Dean and I get to spend almost every weekend together, along with our Minny. Life is grand. We both have jobs, we both love each other very much, and we're both looking forward to spending life together. He's my boy, plain and simple. Soon, he should be back home in Vancouver with me for good, and I can't wait until we can move into our own place. Life is getting good again.

Random thought of the day: How many shades darker does a turkey get when it's cooked?

Why I Need to Let Go of Stress

I have been freaking out so much lately about every little thing. Senior requirements, my relationship, my family, my friends...and for what? I had a total epiphany just a second ago and now I'm wondering...did I completely lose my mind t o be worrying that much?

I've been playing this game kind of like the Sims. I don't know why I play such childish games, but I do. That's not the point.

The little characters on my game started freaking out a couple minutes ago because they didn't have any food. Sure, I can see why this would be a problem. But I was fairly amused at how worried the tiny Sim-like people were. If I'm taking care of getting food for them, why should they be worried about it? Do these little computer people not realize that I'm not going to starve them? Sure they're imaginary creatures, but I'm taking care of them anyway, right?

That's where my life is right now. Why am I so worried about what should be trivial matters? Do I not know that God is taking care of me? Do I not believe in His strength? Do I not have faith that he won't starve me of what I need? God is always there and He has always been there. If I am so worried about not having the necessities to live, then am I really anything more than a character on a game? Am I more than a figment of a programmer's imagination? No.

I'm praying that God will help me to realize His strength every day and to take note of it. He is great. He can do anything. Who am I to forget that?

New Life...

I've been working as hard as I could for nearly 7 months to be better because Dean makes me want to be better. But now he tells me...he's gay. I am...completely unaware of how to feel. I was fully prepared to marry him...but now...I'm almost scared. Where does my future go now? What happens to me? I'm so scared...

I still love Dean with all my heart and he is my best friend. But what do I do?

Right now I am praying for guidance from God to help me make the right decisions...to help me say the right things.

I want things to be ok...

Dean Nicholas Baker

He makes me want to be a better person. And I love him for it.

It's been a while. Just wanted to say...things are good. They aren't perfect...but I am working to make them so.

So I'm heading to Pennsylvania for 18 days to see my best friend since pre-school and all I can do is cry about the fact that I won't see my Deanosaur...*sigh*

Compromise.

I was thinking earlier about the guys in my life prior to Dean who all told me that they loved me and wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me. I fully dived into each relationship, convinced that each guy was "the one." Looking back now, I see the issues. There were signs. One common factor was that with each guy, who promised me forever and then left me, there were little quirks that both of us had that the other seemed incapable of seeing past.

With Dean I have come to understand something important: Love = Compromise. You will never find a single person on the planet that doesn't do at least one little thing that bothers you, but if you tell someone you love them and that they're perfect, it's because you truly love that person enough to look past their "flaws" and can be with them anyway. Dean can absolutely drive me insane at times, and he does. I know that I make him crazy sometimes too. But we love each other, so we've learned to compromise. It's not always easy...in fact at times I just want to scream, but the truth is that he is the most perfect person in the world for me, so I have to get used to his quirks.

People always say, don't change for anyone. Be true to yourself. But you know, "yourself" has flaws too, just like everyone else. If you expect them to love you, you have to be willing to compromise your actions and your tolerances sometimes. Don't be someone you're not, but be the person that your significant other makes you want to be. Dean makes me want to be less angry, so while I'm a naturally pissed off person, I try to change that because I love him. He carries a level head of emotion which pisses me off sometimes just because I want him to get mad, but I accept him the way he is.

I guess what I'm saying is...society is wrong. You SHOULD change for someone you love, as long as you don't compromise your morals and your beliefs. Change CAN be a good thing. And if someone ever tells you they're in love with you, and especially if they say they want to spend the rest of their lives with you, you better have it in check that they are accepting of you no matter what.

Random thought of the day: People seem to enjoy taco soup...and they seem to enjoy fish tacos...but has anyone dared attempt FISH TACO soup? Hmm...