So I'm heading to Pennsylvania for 18 days to see my best friend since pre-school and all I can do is cry about the fact that I won't see my Deanosaur...*sigh*

Compromise.

I was thinking earlier about the guys in my life prior to Dean who all told me that they loved me and wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me. I fully dived into each relationship, convinced that each guy was "the one." Looking back now, I see the issues. There were signs. One common factor was that with each guy, who promised me forever and then left me, there were little quirks that both of us had that the other seemed incapable of seeing past.

With Dean I have come to understand something important: Love = Compromise. You will never find a single person on the planet that doesn't do at least one little thing that bothers you, but if you tell someone you love them and that they're perfect, it's because you truly love that person enough to look past their "flaws" and can be with them anyway. Dean can absolutely drive me insane at times, and he does. I know that I make him crazy sometimes too. But we love each other, so we've learned to compromise. It's not always easy...in fact at times I just want to scream, but the truth is that he is the most perfect person in the world for me, so I have to get used to his quirks.

People always say, don't change for anyone. Be true to yourself. But you know, "yourself" has flaws too, just like everyone else. If you expect them to love you, you have to be willing to compromise your actions and your tolerances sometimes. Don't be someone you're not, but be the person that your significant other makes you want to be. Dean makes me want to be less angry, so while I'm a naturally pissed off person, I try to change that because I love him. He carries a level head of emotion which pisses me off sometimes just because I want him to get mad, but I accept him the way he is.

I guess what I'm saying is...society is wrong. You SHOULD change for someone you love, as long as you don't compromise your morals and your beliefs. Change CAN be a good thing. And if someone ever tells you they're in love with you, and especially if they say they want to spend the rest of their lives with you, you better have it in check that they are accepting of you no matter what.

Random thought of the day: People seem to enjoy taco soup...and they seem to enjoy fish tacos...but has anyone dared attempt FISH TACO soup? Hmm...

My Boy...

I'm in love with him. I just thought I would let you know.

Random thought of the day: Snuggies feel weird to wear. So do football jerseys. I'm wearing both.

My Mr. Amazing.

Recently I have driven myself insane obsessing over David. I think it became more of a ritual and a need to feel like someone cared than anything else. David is one of my best friends...but that's what he will always be to me...a friend.

I have been praying for months that God would forgive me for a stupid mistake that happened in February. I compromised my beliefs and it felt like He could never let me forgive myself for it. All I wanted was a sign that things would be ok.

September 10th, 2009, at about 8:00pm I got the answer to my prayers. My friend Dean and I have been talking nonstop for the past week or so and that wonderful boy asked me out about that time. I dropped my "no-dating-until-I'm-20" pledge...and for good reason.

Dean is one of the most amazing people I know. We met through a mutual friend completely by chance a couple years ago at the mall. A couple months after this, Missy had a party and I ran into Dean there as well. We talked once in a blue moon over these past years, but recently became extremely close. There was no rhyme or reason for it. It just happened that way.

He is the strongest person I have ever known. He has been through so much and he continues to have a positive outlook on life. Dean is studying to be a youth pastor which I have so much respect for. He is my soldier. He makes me feel so alive. I know not what the future has in store, but I can honestly say I think Dean will be in my life for a very long time.

I have so much in common with this man it's almost spooky. We understand each other and help each other work through our problems. He is the only person I can talk to on the phone for more than half an hour (we reach an entire two and a half hours.)

Dean knows how to make me smile no matter what. My life has been so crazy lately, and no matter how hectic things become, Dean is always right there to make me feel better. He always has the perfect words to say. He makes me dance every day.

I haven't seen my wonderful boy in over two years. On Tuesday, I get to see him for the first time since just about everything has happened. For the first time, I am excited for my parents to meet somebody, and I am just as excited to meet his family. My whole heart has changed since Dean came back into my life...

God is so good.

Rnadom thought of the day: I <3 a elly-fant sticky from da dock-ter.

Making Choices.

So last night I was totally stoked. We had auditions for Once Upon a Mattress. I get to the theatre...and it's all downhill from there. Needless to say, I didn't get cast. For me, this is like hell. Until now, I've been in every show I've auditioned for. What angers me more is that there are people who are quitting the show because they got a part in the chorus, and they think they're too good for it. There is a spot on the audition form that asks for your preferred role. My friend Jaylene was smart enough to say she only wanted a large role. She didn't get cast, but that didn't stop other people from getting cast either. Instead, there are people who said they will accept any role, and now they're dropping the show. This basically says we all lose. So yeah, I think I have some right to be angry that I wasn't cast when there were plenty of spots I could have had if the other people hadn't have been so prideful.

But..that's something I have to deal with. I can't change it, so there's no reason to stay mad about it. Yeah, it hurts, but I've made a decision. I'm not going to let myself keep getting held back by little things like this. It isn' the end of the world, and I am grateful for the fact that I've been in every other one of the previous 7 shows I auditioned for.

Acting is a passion of mine. Being onstage makes me feel alive. It's a stress relief. It gives me a place to be and people to meet. I would probably be without friends here if it weren't for theatre. I wish things like this didn't happen,, but they do. I can only hope that the next audition goes better for me. Singing and dancing really aren't my thing anyway.

I guess it's difficult sometimes...but I'm trying to grow up. Not being in this show gives me opportunities to do other things that I would otherwise have missed out on, and I am going to jump at those chances.

Random thought of the day: It's impossible to bite your own neck.

Well guess what. I can't sleep...again. What a wonderful start to the school year...I'm going to die.

Don't Worry, Be Happy.

The title of this post may be a little cliche, but it has sentimental meaning to me, so we'll set that aside. You know, I gotta say life is superb lately. School starts tomorrow and I'm actually looking forward to it. I can't wait to get back in the swing of things, juggling school and Knowledge Bowl and theatre. In December I will be spending 2 and a half weeks in Pennsylvania with my best friend of 14 years and her parents are being so kind as to take us to New York (a place I've always wanted to visit.) I am a little disappointed that I will miss Christmas and New Year's with my family, along with nephew's birth most likely. However, the opportunity is really too great to pass up. My family and friends are so wonderful. Life is just going SWELL. In the pass, I might have concluded that this meant something bad must be coming soon. I don't believe that now though. God has been so good to me lately. I just want to give you all a boost as you're reading this: LIFE GETS BETTER. Things may not always go as perfect as you want them too (I'm still not happy with being single) but the joy in your life will come. Live for the moment, and be thankful for what God has given you.

Random thought of the Day: If I ever have the misfortune of getting a divorce (presuming I ever have the fortune of getting married) I think you should buy me a mini coffin for my wedding ring.

Incapable.

I want to hate Liz. This is what I tell you, not because it is true, but because I have completely brainwashed myself into believing it is true.

In reality, truth is that I love Liz so much. Staying up for 3 hours together spilling our guts about our pasts, I finally get what is real...

What's real is this:
The more time I spend with Liz, I come to find that I want to hate her less and less.
And the more I talk to her, I can't deny that I want David to love me more and more.

Truth: I can't hate her. She's just that twin of mine that ended up falling for the same goofy smile and crazy antics. Can I blame her for that? Not at all.

I love you twin :)

Why I Hate Weddings.

August 21st, 2009. 6:00pm. My cousin Nathan's wedding has just begun. Every member of the wedding party walks elegantly down the aisle, looking beautiful. I watch the smile on Nate's face grow as he glances around, noticing the faces of all those attending. He looks so excited. Finally Brooke, the beautiful bride, makes her entrance. My first thought is how happy Nate looks to see her, and I am happy for him. Then, as I begin to notice every small detail about her dress, I cannot shake the thought, the fact, that I will never look that beautiful in a wedding dress. More thoughts pass - I wonder if I will ever get married. I think that over...nah, I know I will get married. But to whom? I stare with awe at the look on Nathan's face. His expression holds so much love and tenderness. I know he truly cares for her with all of his heart. He will love her forever. My thoughts change. I will get married, but will anyone ever be able to truly love me the way Nathan loves Brooke? I know I am capable of having that love for another, I just think it may never be reciprocated. It scares me, but at the same time I expect it. Throughout the wedding, Brooke's dad, who is also the minister, speaks of loving his daughter, of how happy he is for her, of how much he loves Nate. He is overcome with joy, that much is obvious. I think about my own father sitting next to me. I hope he won't be heartbroken that he will never see me that happy with anyone. I tell everyone that I hate weddings because they are simply materialistic and superficial. That the meaning has changed over the years to something far less. And though I believe this to be true, this isn't why I can't stand them. The truth remains that I can't stand the fact that I will be alone.

Why It's Easy to Stay Single

So a few years ago I had this relationship of sorts and had myself convinced that he was the one. Sure I was only 13-14 at the time...but I loved him. Say what you will to that. I'm still convince I loved him. And then one day, as all relationships must, it came to an end. And I was depressed for a good 2 years or so.

And then I got out and started seeing people again. I vowed to never ever let myself get hurt that way again. My emotions, they're weird. I'll cry over little stuff, but if someone dies or I get dumped...give me a good day or two to be all emo and then I'm back to normal. Stuff that should hurt just doesn't affect me anymore.

A couple months ago I got dumped by my boyfriend of around 5 months. I took two days to let myself be sad. And then I got over it. I decided at that point, relationships are too much work, I'll just have a bunch of flings instead and be happy. And then I realized that I get attached too easily and having a bunch of flings would be a bad idea. Time for a new plan.

Decided to call my best friend, Missy, on the phone one day. Those who know me will tell you I do NOT talk on the phone, with a few very special exceptions. Missy doesn't either for that matter, but since I hadn't talked to her in the a days, I called her anyway.

Got to talking about our friend David who I'd been chatting with earlier that day. Mentioned to Missy something about David and his girlfriend Liz, whom I had never met. Said I wasn't so sure about this girl, Liz. I know about David's previous relationships. I figured she couldn't be too good. And I worry about David like crazy. He's been one of my best friends for two years. He's important.

Missy laughs at me worrying. Tells me I'm going to end up with David in 30 years. I laugh at her. Thought she should know better than anyone that me and David together is a bad idea. We have our little history. We were...mostly friends with benefits at one point. We've been through hell together. He's always going to be one of my best friends though, plain and simple. It's like this, if we're both taken, we're happy for each other. He and Liz got together about the same time as I started dating the most recent ex. Both of us were mostly happy for each other, although David told me he didn't like the sound of my boyfriend and I told him I wasn't so sure about Liz. David was right about me as usual...I just wasn't so right about him. When we're both single, we always seem to end up with each other, even if we never date. And when only one of us is taken...all hell breaks loose. We're fairly protective of each other. So after I got dumped and David and Liz were still together, I decided I wasn't ok with that. But Missy saying we were going to end up together, that was just silly. It's not like I wanted him. I just didn't want Liz dating him.

I should also mention that camp was coming up. The same camp that David's parents run and that David works full time at. It's also my favorite place in the world. If I could move into the camp permanently, I would in a heartbeat. Everything about it makes me happy...especially my friends there, and that includes David.

So with Missy prodding me and trying to convince me that David and I are meant to be and with camp nearing...needless to say I fell head-over-heels for him for about the hundredth time in the past two years. Except...oh yeah, Liz. Needed to fix that tiny problem.

Incidentally, I called David quite a bit in the couple of weeks before camp. Trying to find a weakness somewhere in the relationship so I could get rid of the pest that was taking over my David without my permission. Unfortunately, David's as stubborn as I am, if not moreso. He also gave me the subtle warning that if anything tried to come between him and Liz, there would be hell to pay...again, time for a new plan.

Next plan of attack was to meet this "Liz" person of course. Naturally, I told David I wanted to meet her and he said he would see what he could do about bringing her to camp. As I laughed evilly to myself, I started plotting.

Finally, camp came along, and, strangely, Missy and I saw very little of David. It took long enough, but I finally managed to communicate with David enough to get him to bring Liz for a visit. I assumed hostility mode. Miss and I headed over to chat with David and Liz...and we reached the next issue. Liz was...well, freaking incredible really. I still didn't want her with David though. And David, well, he seemed completely oblivious to what was going on, as he generally is. He knew I wasn't keen on getting to know Liz, but he assumed so for other reasons, such as the fact that I didn't want him to get hurt, which I didn't.

Since David works at the camp full time, he ended up being needed to empty trash cans and left Missy and Liz and I alone. As we got to talking, we ended up loving Liz more and more by the second. Family Fun Night was about to start at the camp and we didn't want to leave Liz alone, so we dragged her along with us. We figured David could catch up whenever he was done with his job. The night dragged on and we were absolutely ecstatic spending time with Liz. However, I was irritated every time David came within a foot of her. The purpose was still to get rid of Liz, at least as far as David was concerned.

I eventually talked to David alone and explained what was going on. While he somewhat seemed to get it, he still doesn't appear to fully understand the situation. And who really can? David knows me too well though and told me that it sounded to him like I spend too much time looking for relationships and that I need to lay off for a while. I figured he's right. So I made a vow to myself to stop dating until I'm 20.

Except...I keep meeting potentials. And every guy I meet that might work out, I back off of. I'm not going to date anyone. It only leads to trouble. I'm your typical teenager though. I just want to be loved. That's all I've ever wanted. But I've taken David's advice and I stopped looking. There's no point in trying to find someone now...because I already found who I want to end up with, even if it takes 30 years (thanks for cursing me, Missy.) Having found that someone, it's easy to stay single. I don't need a relationship while I'm waiting for him. And I could be waiting a while, because the man I'm waiting for is already taken by an amazing girl named Liz. So while I love Liz to death and wish her the best...I think she should end up with Jed, because he's exactly to her what David is to me, and I think that would make for a much better ending to this crazy sitcom that is our life.

Random thought of the day: Unibrows should be called monobrows and eyebrows should be called bibrows.

And so my journey begins...

Well, I'm here. And?

I realized something. My life...it's just about to start.

My name is Katie. I'm 17 years old. And after 17 years of coasting through life I'm ready to begin the journey I never really started. I was thrown onto this planet as the lawn gnome for another person's life. Until now I never learned to lead my own life. As a small child I was part of my parents' lives. When I got old enough to want to go places, I strove to be part of my brothers' lives. I desired the freedom they had. As a teenager, I've been part of the lives of my friends. My own life never existed. If I wasn't out doing something (and until almost a year ago, I wasn't) I was cooped up in my room, or glued to the computer, as I am now.

When people say get a life, you roll your eyes. But now I understand, and I'm about to.

Two weeks from now will mark the start of my senior year of high school. I'm ready to become my own person. Some of my friends that are also heading into their senior year are already adults. They are a full year older than me, and they've started to shape their lives. I could make the excuse that I'll start becoming my own person when I turn 18. But I won't. I'm at the same point in my life as they are, and I need to individualize myself.

As a kid, I was always considered mature for my age. "Far ahead of her grade level," my teachers would say. A few teachers described me as a genius. It was never true though. My brothers were born a decade before I was. They helped me get an early start at reading and writing and doing math. Despite the fact that I began as a quick learner, when my teachers suggested I skip a grade, my parents knew better. I stayed at the grade I was in. After all, I am one of the youngest in my class, and they knew it would catch up. Sure enough, once I transferred out of my small town school and into a better one, my schoolwork was considered average.

Socially, I suppose I'm average as well. I rely heavily on the opinions of my friends rather than forming opinions of my own. I don't really fit into any category. I love theatre, but I don't really fit any of the typical theatre kid molds either. I'm not rich. I'm not poor. I try to get along with everyone. If you don't like me then I generally won't like you. I can be totally out there and insane. I can be crazy mellow. My personality changes every day.

So I need to pick where my life is actually going to go. I need to get a job. I need to get my license. I need to start applying for colleges.

Step One:
I'm going to take control of my academic life.
I plan on keeping up with my usual activities. I participate in the school Knowledge Bowl team and I'm an active member of thespian troupe 699. My goal this year is to stop slacking off. I'm going to actually do my homework while keeping up with KB and drama. I'm going to get good grades and study and pay attention in class. I'm going to actually ask my teachers for help when I need it and stop procrastinating.
I'm also going to start applying to colleges. First choice, CWU. I want to major in English and minor in either performance theatre or photography. I'll make that decision when I get there. Right now I would be happy with either.

Step Two:
I'm going to fix my life as a Christian.
My friend Amy recently invited me to go to VBS at her church with her. To my surprise I enjoyed it. I've made the decision to continue going to church with her sometimes on Wednesday nights. I don't agree with all of their views and I believe that you don't have to go to church every Sunday to be a Christian. I don't mind going on Wednesday nights because I don't have to worry about making sure somebody wakes me up and I generally need my rest after a full week of school, Knowledge Bowl, and theatre. I go to an amazing family church camp every summer and it is my favorite place on Earth. I met three of my best friends there and they are the reason I smile. This summer I attended CreationFest NW for the first time and had a blast. I met up with an old friend there and he helped to straighten out my life. I plan to continue attending that as well. I know I mess up a lot, and sometimes I feel like life treats me like crap, but when I think about it, God has been pretty good to me, and I think He deserves to have the favor returned.

Step Three:
Maintain my friendships and family life. I feel like I've finally begun repairs on all my broken friendships. My friends and family mean everything to me. They might drive me nuts, but I love them. I know I get busy with theatre and everything else going on in my life and sometimes I forget to keep in touch but I want to remember who is important to me.

So this is where I'm going this year. I'm going to stop being afraid of everything and finally start living. And I'm going to go nuts and dress like I'm from the 80s as often as possible this year. Your senior year is meant for memories right? I'm going to live it up :)

Random thought of the day: If you were an upsidedown catfish, I'd love you rightsideup.

So I guess I'm a blogger...

So...I've been swept into the vortex of blogging...

I'm not really sure what that's going to mean. Hopefully something big.

or not.