Dean Nicholas Baker

He makes me want to be a better person. And I love him for it.

It's been a while. Just wanted to say...things are good. They aren't perfect...but I am working to make them so.

So I'm heading to Pennsylvania for 18 days to see my best friend since pre-school and all I can do is cry about the fact that I won't see my Deanosaur...*sigh*

Compromise.

I was thinking earlier about the guys in my life prior to Dean who all told me that they loved me and wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me. I fully dived into each relationship, convinced that each guy was "the one." Looking back now, I see the issues. There were signs. One common factor was that with each guy, who promised me forever and then left me, there were little quirks that both of us had that the other seemed incapable of seeing past.

With Dean I have come to understand something important: Love = Compromise. You will never find a single person on the planet that doesn't do at least one little thing that bothers you, but if you tell someone you love them and that they're perfect, it's because you truly love that person enough to look past their "flaws" and can be with them anyway. Dean can absolutely drive me insane at times, and he does. I know that I make him crazy sometimes too. But we love each other, so we've learned to compromise. It's not always easy...in fact at times I just want to scream, but the truth is that he is the most perfect person in the world for me, so I have to get used to his quirks.

People always say, don't change for anyone. Be true to yourself. But you know, "yourself" has flaws too, just like everyone else. If you expect them to love you, you have to be willing to compromise your actions and your tolerances sometimes. Don't be someone you're not, but be the person that your significant other makes you want to be. Dean makes me want to be less angry, so while I'm a naturally pissed off person, I try to change that because I love him. He carries a level head of emotion which pisses me off sometimes just because I want him to get mad, but I accept him the way he is.

I guess what I'm saying is...society is wrong. You SHOULD change for someone you love, as long as you don't compromise your morals and your beliefs. Change CAN be a good thing. And if someone ever tells you they're in love with you, and especially if they say they want to spend the rest of their lives with you, you better have it in check that they are accepting of you no matter what.

Random thought of the day: People seem to enjoy taco soup...and they seem to enjoy fish tacos...but has anyone dared attempt FISH TACO soup? Hmm...

My Boy...

I'm in love with him. I just thought I would let you know.

Random thought of the day: Snuggies feel weird to wear. So do football jerseys. I'm wearing both.

My Mr. Amazing.

Recently I have driven myself insane obsessing over David. I think it became more of a ritual and a need to feel like someone cared than anything else. David is one of my best friends...but that's what he will always be to me...a friend.

I have been praying for months that God would forgive me for a stupid mistake that happened in February. I compromised my beliefs and it felt like He could never let me forgive myself for it. All I wanted was a sign that things would be ok.

September 10th, 2009, at about 8:00pm I got the answer to my prayers. My friend Dean and I have been talking nonstop for the past week or so and that wonderful boy asked me out about that time. I dropped my "no-dating-until-I'm-20" pledge...and for good reason.

Dean is one of the most amazing people I know. We met through a mutual friend completely by chance a couple years ago at the mall. A couple months after this, Missy had a party and I ran into Dean there as well. We talked once in a blue moon over these past years, but recently became extremely close. There was no rhyme or reason for it. It just happened that way.

He is the strongest person I have ever known. He has been through so much and he continues to have a positive outlook on life. Dean is studying to be a youth pastor which I have so much respect for. He is my soldier. He makes me feel so alive. I know not what the future has in store, but I can honestly say I think Dean will be in my life for a very long time.

I have so much in common with this man it's almost spooky. We understand each other and help each other work through our problems. He is the only person I can talk to on the phone for more than half an hour (we reach an entire two and a half hours.)

Dean knows how to make me smile no matter what. My life has been so crazy lately, and no matter how hectic things become, Dean is always right there to make me feel better. He always has the perfect words to say. He makes me dance every day.

I haven't seen my wonderful boy in over two years. On Tuesday, I get to see him for the first time since just about everything has happened. For the first time, I am excited for my parents to meet somebody, and I am just as excited to meet his family. My whole heart has changed since Dean came back into my life...

God is so good.

Rnadom thought of the day: I <3 a elly-fant sticky from da dock-ter.

Making Choices.

So last night I was totally stoked. We had auditions for Once Upon a Mattress. I get to the theatre...and it's all downhill from there. Needless to say, I didn't get cast. For me, this is like hell. Until now, I've been in every show I've auditioned for. What angers me more is that there are people who are quitting the show because they got a part in the chorus, and they think they're too good for it. There is a spot on the audition form that asks for your preferred role. My friend Jaylene was smart enough to say she only wanted a large role. She didn't get cast, but that didn't stop other people from getting cast either. Instead, there are people who said they will accept any role, and now they're dropping the show. This basically says we all lose. So yeah, I think I have some right to be angry that I wasn't cast when there were plenty of spots I could have had if the other people hadn't have been so prideful.

But..that's something I have to deal with. I can't change it, so there's no reason to stay mad about it. Yeah, it hurts, but I've made a decision. I'm not going to let myself keep getting held back by little things like this. It isn' the end of the world, and I am grateful for the fact that I've been in every other one of the previous 7 shows I auditioned for.

Acting is a passion of mine. Being onstage makes me feel alive. It's a stress relief. It gives me a place to be and people to meet. I would probably be without friends here if it weren't for theatre. I wish things like this didn't happen,, but they do. I can only hope that the next audition goes better for me. Singing and dancing really aren't my thing anyway.

I guess it's difficult sometimes...but I'm trying to grow up. Not being in this show gives me opportunities to do other things that I would otherwise have missed out on, and I am going to jump at those chances.

Random thought of the day: It's impossible to bite your own neck.